Doctor Gameshow!
by BluAlbino
Summary: During the BadWolf incident The Doctor and his companions got put into gameshows, I wondered what they would be like if they were more...interesting... rated for Naked!Jack
1. Gameshow network

The Doctor and his two companions, Rose and Jack, were laughing over Tokyo.

"Did you see the look on her face when she put the wasabi in her mouth!" said Jack, laughing manically.

"Shut up Jack!" Rose said, not really meaning it. "At least that creepy guy behind the counter wasn't staring at me!" Jack tried to look offended, but was smiling too much.

"No, he was looking at me!" yelled the Doctor. "And I can't say I blame him! I'm handsome you know." Rose grinned and opened her mouth to say something, probably about the Doctor's ears, but never got the chance. I ray of bright white light invaded the Tardis, and all three of them were sent spiraling off in different directions.

* * *

The Doctor woke in a dark… cave? What the hell? No, not a real cave, he thought, tapping a boulder that was clearly plastic. He looked towards the light and saw the exit. He stepped out of the cave, and saw a lot of people hurrying around with cameras, microphones, bottles of water, and donuts. Mmm…donuts… Snap out of it Doctor! The walls of the large room were painted to look like a forest, and it did, if you squinted and turned your head to the left a bit.

"Hey, you!" Someone yelled! "All contestants over here!" The Doctor, assuming he was a contestant, headed towards the man.

"Finally!" The man said. The Doctor was standing next to a red headed girl, and a scary looking teenage boy in chain-pants. "Well I assume you know the rules already, but its company policy to tell you anyway. You three are about to play the game stations 342 highest rated game! **Poke The Bear!** So the rules-" The Doctor cut him off.

"What are we doing? Poke the what? You **can't** be serious!" The announcer-man gave him a scary look.

"Well if you had been paying attention, I said were playing **Poke The Bear!** And the rules are so simple that even a dullard like you should be able to figure them out." The Doctor was too busy trying to figure out the joke to respond. "Basically, I give you a sharp-ish metal stick, then you go in that cave over there," he pointed over his shoulder, "and poke the bear until it wakes up! The one with the most remaining limbs after five turns wins! Death and decapitation are not recommended, as they will cause immediate disqualification."

"But that's stupid!" yelled the doctor. The others ignored him. The red head raised her hand.

"What do we do when the bear wakes up?" she asked.

"Great question love!" said announcer-man. "I'd say; run like hell." She smiled at him, he smiled back, Goth-boy made a retching noise.

"Why are we even doing this?!" yelled the Doctor again. "This is a stupid game that sounds like it was thought up by a hyperactive teenager at three in the morning!" Coincidentally (and completely not an act of malice from an offended author) right after he said that, he was hit in the back of the head by a large hanging microphone. "Oww…" he rubbed the back of his head.

"Come this way and pick out your sharp-ish sticks!" announcer-man said, leading the way. The red head chose a skinny metal skewer and smiled in her delight. Goth-boy looked over his choices and finally picked what looked like a short sword, and seemed to be debating wither or not to massacre the crew.

"Pick you stick!" Boomed announcer-man, now thinking the Doctor was deaf as well as stupid.

"I've already got one," he said, pulling the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket. Announcer-man looked over it dubiously.

"I dunno… looks mighty short for a pokin' stick…" he said. The announcer-man laughed, "oh well, not my problem!" he chuckled and walked away.

The contestants were asked to lined up near the entrance to the cave. Announcer-man, or one of his clones, walked in front of the nearest camera and began talking to it.

"Hello home viewers! It's time for Game Station's 342 highest rated gameshow, **Poke The Bear!** First contestant, ENTER THE CAVE!!" The red head took his instructions and walked bravely into the cave.

"Hello? Mr. Bear? Wake up Mr. Bear!" Came her voice from the cave. A muffled yawn/growl came behind it.

"Well good mourning to you too Mr. Bea-" She was cut off by a loud roar and a loud noise.

**SNAPCRUNCH! **The bear roared again, then yawned, then fell back asleep.

"Well folks!" said announcer-man, absurdly happy. "It appears that we are left with only two contestants! She should have listened closer to are decapitation policy! Next contestant please!"

Goth-boy entered the cave. He didn't say anything, but they all heard a loud stabbing noise.

"_RRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAA-"_

**Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!**

Twenty minutes later Goth-boy exited the cave, completely unharmed and covered in blood. The crew glanced around nervously and tried to figure out who was going to take the stick away from him.

"Umm… okay then!" aid announcer-man, rattled. "Well this is a first… Apparently the bear has been beaten into submission! I guess that means it's time for round two! **The Lion and The Bacon Vest-"** he was interrupted by Goth-boy deciding to attack the unlucky crewman that attempted to get the stick out of his hands. "Minor technical difficulties!" said announcer-man to the camera, trying to talk loud enough to cover the screams. The Doctor used the confusion as the boy tried to take down the security forces with his poking-stick to slip into the hallways unnoticed.

Fantastic! He thought, ignoring the screams. Now just to find Rose and Jack…

* * *

**Will the Doctor find his companions? What horrors are Jack and Rose going through? Find out after these short commercial messages...**

**Sorry! Couldn't help myself!**


	2. Potato War!

Jack woke on the floor of a large room with padded walls covered in large burn marks. Where am I? Where's The Doctor and Rose? he thought.

"Hello?" he said, getting up.

"Hello!" said an irritatingly cheerful voice from behind him. Jack turned around to see a scary woman with a slightly brain-damaged smile. "You finally woke up! Sorry to say we already put the gear on you!" she said, not looking sorry at all. Gear? Jack looked down and saw that he was wearing different clothes than when he passed out, a tight red uniform with knee-and-elbow pads and shin guards. Jack had a feeling that he knew who changed him…

"See anything you like?" said Jack, using his sexy smile. The woman laughed at him. Shot down!

"Just put your helmet on, Casanova." she said, handing him the piece of equipment. Jack donned the helmet and followed the woman to a crowd of about twenty people, each wearing a red or blue uniform. Someone near the center was handing out large black thinks that looked a bit like spoons. Everyone got their giant spoons and headed to opposite ends of the room, reds on one side, blues on the other. Jack joined his fellow reds, who were gathered around one of many tubs of something.

"Not to sound rude or anything, but what the hell are we doing?" he asked a random team mate. The man eyed him like he was crazy.

"Duh! Were playing **Potato War!** where the hell have you been?" Jack nodded.

"Obviously not in the same place as you." he said, and the man tried to work out wither or not he'd been insulted. "So how do you play potato war?"

"No!" the man said. "Not _potato war_, it's **Potato War!**, say it right." Jack looked at him, dumbstruck. What the hell have I gotten myself into this time…

"Sure…" Jack said. "Glad we cleared that up. But how do you play?" The man started to answer, but was interrupted by a loud whistle. The people not in uniform left the room, and a mechanical voice came from the ceiling.

"_**Potato War!**__ starting in 5...4...3...2... GO!"_ Everyone dipped their giant spoons into vats of what appeared to be… mashed potatoes. Oh… Potato wars, self explanatory. He grabbed a large hunk of creamed spuds and joined the raging battle. He was having fun flinging potatoes, until he got hit.

Normally he wouldn't have noticed, as it hit one of his arms, but his uniform heated and let off a burning smell.

"What the…" he started, but he was suddenly knocked over by a team mate. He looked up at her and she smacked him.

"Hey! You're the one on top of me-" he said and she shushed him.

"Idiot! You'll get hit if you just stand there like that! Do you want to be melted by the acid?"

"Acid?" he said. The girl pulled him behind a tub of potatoes as the blues began to fling in their direction.

"Remember! In season three, the ratings dropped, so they decided to make the potatoes acidic! Geez…" she said "Don't get yourself killed, we have to win to be let out." she sighed. Jack was still too stuck on the whole 'Life threatening potatoes' issue to respond. Then he got and idea.

"Follow me." he said, grabbing her hand. They ran, bent double, towards the wall, zigzagging to avoid fire… ahem…potatoes. They crouched near the far wall, hiding behind another vat of spuds.

"What are we doing?" the girl asked, as Jack used his spoon to scoop out large amounts of mashed potatoes and layer them against the walls.

"We're breaking out." he said, listening to the padding on the walls sizzle. Perfect! The acid ate through the walls, creating a hole that Jack and his new companion crawled out of. On the way out, Jack pulled the tub against the wall, hiding the exit.

"So what do we do now?" The girl asked him.

" Now we have to find my friends." he said.

"JACK!" came a loud yell from behind him. Jack turned to see the Doctor, trying to open random doors with the sonic screwdriver.

"Doc!" he yelled back, extremely relieved to see the timelord. "Where's Rose?"

"I have no idea. Who's your friend?" he asked. Jack turned to the girl, realizing that he didn't know her name.

"Lynda," she said, holding out her hand to the doctor. "With a 'Y'," she added, for reasons unknown. Jack opened his mouth to introduce himself, but was interrupted by a loud explosion. The three turned to see a smoking hole in the side of the nearest wall. A figure stepped out of the smoke, pushing in front of them a large gun-like weapon.

Pointing right at them.

* * *

**Yay for Chapter 2! I know it ended cliffhanger-y, but it was the only thing I could think off. I already know what the next chapter's going to be, so I promise to update soon.**

**I had fun with this one though, especially Jack's outfit... drool...**


	3. Too much coffee

The Doctor, Jack and Lynda watched grimly as the figure stood there, hiding in the smoke. Then suddenly it shrieked.

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod!" It screamed and tackle hugged the Doctor, knocking him over.

"Oww…" he said. "Rose?" she looked at him giggling. Rose got off him and saw Jack.

"HI JACK!" she yelled and glomped him too. "Hihihihi! I missed you guys!" she said, letting go of Jack. The men stared at her, speechless.

"So, so ,so, guess what?! Where on a gameshow network, and it is soooooooooo cool!"

"What did they do to her?" Jack asked the Doctor, watching as Rose attempted a one-handed cartwheel, landed on her ass, then noticed Lynda for the first time.

"I don't know," he said, as Rose attempted to introduce herself to Lynda by telling the other woman her life-story at light speed. Lynda looked scared.

"Anyway!" Rose said, running back to the two men. "Where was I? Oh, woke up and I was like, 'Whoa! Where the hell am I,' and this guy's all like 'you're in the game station," and I was all like 'kay, what the hell is the game station-"

"Skip to the point Rose," said the Doctor, exasperated.

"Okay, so like I was in this game where you had to drink as many cups of coffee as you can, then race each other! Did you know that alien coffee has like, five times more caffeine then regular coffee, and it tastes sooooooooooooooo good-"

"Rose, how much did you have?" Jack asked. Rose looked at him guiltily.

"I only had a couple, or four, or ten… It's all a bit of a blur…" The Doctor and Jack shared a look. One that said, _we are never giving her caffeine. Ever._

"Oh!" she said, running back to her abandoned weapon. "Look what I found!" she said, pointing at it and waving her arms around like an idiot. "It's so funny!" she said, and pointed it at Jack.

"Rose-" Jack said, trying to get her to point the gun somewhere else, when she fired. Instead of disintegrating like he expected, his jumpsuit, and whatever he was wearing under it, melted off his body.

"It's called a de-fabricator!" Rose said, grinning. "I stole it from a couple of robots." Everybody tried not to stare at the suddenly naked spaceship captain, and Rose was proud of her handiwork.

Jack, on the other hand, barely seemed to notice his sudden lack of clothing. He looked at the Doctor, staring intently down the hallway, then Lynda, who suddenly became very interested in her left thumbnail, and Rose who had almost fallen over from giggling too hard.

"You guy's realize I don't mind being naked, right?" He said, laughing.

"We mind!" said the Doctor. Jack could see the blush on the back of his neck. He couldn't pass up an opportunity to tease the timelord.

"Aww. Sounds like someone needs a hug…" he said. Rose collapsed laughing.

"Stand right there Jack!" he said, rushing over to the device with his screwdriver. Jack stood still, and the Doctor rigged the machine so it made new clothes appear on his body. Lynda and the Doctor sighed with relief, Jack and Rose broke out into giggles. Jack was now wearing leather pants, a white shirt, and a vest, he looked vaguely like a pirate.

"C'mon," he said, to a now normal Doctor and Rose, and Lynda, who was debating on wither or not to go back to the mashed potatoes. They all headed down the hallway and found an elevator. For the lack of anything better to do, they headed to floor 500.

* * *

**Yay for hyper!Rose and naked!Jack!! I think i have to change the rating of this fic...**

**Reveiws make me happy )**


	4. The Winner's Circle

The Doctor, Jack and Lynda were watching Rose jump around the elevator, when it screeched to a halt.

"Holycrapwhatjusthappened?!" yelled Rose, still too hyper to breathe between words.

"It stopped." said the Doctor. The other three just stared at him, mentally saying 'duh.' The elevator door popped open, and showed the all a large bright room, with no other people in it. The Doctor, as usual, was the first to step out, with everyone else right behind him.

A sign above their heads said, in tacky neon letters, **Floor 499! The winner's circle!**

"Winner's circle?" asked Jack.

"_**Yes, my lucky friends!**_" yelled an automated voice from the walls, making three of them jump, and Rose scream at the top of her lungs. "_**The winner's circle, where all the lucky contestants that were not vaporized, maimed, or turned into squirrels, are sent to enjoy their prize money! It includes-**_"

"Shut that thing up." said Jack, nauseated by the overly cheerful voice. The Doctor complied, and sonic screwdriver-ed the wall screen. The voice immediately stopped.

"We should get back on the elevator," said Lynda, heading back to it. The others started to follow her.

"OOOOOO! SHINYTHING!" yelled Rose, then she ran off into the distance.

"ROSE!" yelled the Doctor and Jack, Lynda looked like she was trying not to laugh. All three took off after the hyperactive blonde, into the first section of the winner's circle.

They were amazed by what they saw. It looked like the inside of a Vegas casino. Large red slot machines glittered next to pool and craps tables.

"Wow…" the Doctor said, heading for the nearest slot machine, a hypnotized look in his eyes.

"C'mon, Doc! We've got to find Ro-" Jack stopped mid-word when he noticed a vacant bar, waited on by a robot dressed as a playboy bunny. He walked (sprinted actually, but don't tell him I said that) over and sat close to her. Lynda watched all of this, waiting for the men to remember what they were doing here. When it looked like that wasn't going to happen, she cleared her throat and said loudly, "well, I'm going to find Rose, if either of you feel like joining me." Neither of then noticed, so she walked off in a huff. She went into section two of the winner's circle.

This, section was much less expensive then the last, done to look like a disco palace. There was roaming colored lights, a cut-budget fog machine, and standing at the center was Rose, staring at a giant disco ball hanging from the ceiling.

"Shiny…" she said, trancelike, when Lynda walked up to her. The brunette waved a hand in front of the other girl's face, but Rose kept staring at the mirrored ball.

"Rose," she said, shaking her shoulder. "Roooooooose!" It was no use. Time for drastic measures.

"Oh my god! It's David Beckham!" she yelled, pointing.

'Where?!" yelled Rose, turning her head to look, and straightening her hair. Lynda didn't hesitate, she grabbed the blonde by the ear and dragged her away from the hypnotic disco ball.

"Ow, ow, ow…" Rose said as Lynda relentlessly marched her away from the elevators. They stopped when they reached Jack, who was smirking at the bunny robot over the rim of a martini.

"So, what's your name?" he asked.

"_What would you like to drink sir._" it said mechanically.

"Really?" he said, still grinning, "'cause you look like a Stacy to me. You can call me Captain Jack by the way." Lynda grabbed his ear with her other hand, pulling him away from the bar.

"She's not your type," she said. Lynda's first decent joke was greeted by a chorus of 'ow's.

They marched up to the Doctor, who was losing at the slots. He pulled the sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and pointed it at the revolving wheels. They landed on three cherries, and a sign at the top began flashing **JACKPOT**!

"_**We have a winner!"**_ yelled the irritating computer voice. Lynda, much to her disappointment, was out of hands, and couldn't grab the timelord.

Rose reached out and grabbed his largish right ear, pulling him away from the machine, which was now spewing out his winnings.

"If I have to deal with it, so do you!" she snarled, the ear-dragging putting her in a bad mood. The Doctor opened his mouth to say something, then noticed how much Rose looked like her mother at the moment, and shut it. Lynda dragged them all back to the elevator complaining, and get them back on the way to floor 500.

* * *

** I decided that Lynda (with a Y) was doing far too much noting, and gave her something to do. And yes, hyper Rose could very easily get hypnotised by a disco ball. It happened to a friend of mine. Extreme thanks and a hug to Harlequin Shadow for reveiwing.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	5. Oh Crap

**Sorry it took me so long to update, but I had a rather hectic last few days. But now I'm up late with a head injury (don't ask) and I figured I should finsh this up. Please read and review!**

* * *

The elevator opened, for the second time, at floor 500. Lynda stepped out first, followed by the three companions rubbing their ears. The Doctor stepped forward and attempted to remove the pained look from his face.

"All right!" he said, "who's in charge here?" He looked around at all the surprised people at their computers.

"He asked you a question." growled Rose, the ear-pain having killed her caffeine rush and her good mood. She glared at them, and as one they all pointed to a woman who was attached to the computer and rambling off numbers.

"Why are you abducting people?" The Doctor asked her.

"Ummm…" said a scared looking skinny guy, "she can't hear you." He began shaking like he was going to be shot. "And we're not abducting people, that's the contestant search."

"Then where's my ship?" the timelord said. The computer people looked at each other nervously. Obviously they had no idea what he was talking about.

"Big blue box, lights on top, makes funny whooshing noises?" The Doctor described the Tardis, which caused the people to question his sanity. Oh well, they certainly wouldn't be the first…

"What's in there?" asked Jack, pointing to a door with the words 'Archive Six' written on it.

"We don't even know." replied skinny guy.

"It's restricted," added a short woman.

"Like hell it is!" said Rose. She stormed over to the door, scattering computer geeks as she went. She pulled at the door uselessly, then noticed the scanner-lock. Rose glared at the nearest person, who unfortunately for him, was skinny guy.

"Open it." She hissed. Skinny guy paled, and looked like he was about to wet himself.

"I-I-I c-can-n't." He stammered.

"Why?" she asked, her voice almost calm.

"I-- muh--" he stuttered on, until Rose was fed up.

"Shut it!" she said, grabbing his arm and forcing his hand onto the scanner. At once an alarm sounded. The woman connected to the computer started screaming.

"DO NOT OPEN ARCHIVE SIX! WHAT PART OF RESTRICTED DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?" Rose opened her mouth, probably to tell the woman exactly what she thought of the word 'restricted', but a white beam came from the ceiling and struck her. Rose and skinny guy vanished into a pile of dust.

"ROSE!" yelled the Doctor and Jack in unison. The Doctor ran to the front of archive six and dropped to his knees in front of the dust. Jack ran up to the nearest techie and grabbed him by the front of his shirt.

"What did you do to her?! WHERE IS SHE?!" He yelled in the man's face.

"She's not anywhere!" the man said. "That was a disintegration ray! I'm sorry! Don't kill me!" Jack dropped the sobbing man to the floor. He ran to the computer bank and began typing fervently.

"What are y-" started Lynda, when a similar beam of light struck her from the ceiling. Them she re-appeared on the other side of the room.

"A transport beam. Fantastic! Jack," he said turning to his friend, "you're a genius! How did you know?"

"Just a hunch," said Jack, nervously avoiding the Doctor's eyes. The Doctor decided to ignore what was probably an attempt on Lynda's life and gave Jack a hug. He went to the computers and traced to beam back to it's source.

"Oh shit." Jack said looking over his shoulder. The Doctor agreed.

"That's a lot of Daleks."

* * *

**I'm not going to keep writing from this point, because I love "the parting of ways" too much to even try to change it, but I left off at roughly the same point where it starts, so it sort of makes sense. I had fun with this though!**

**Thanks for reading!**


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